


Rearrange my heart

by FoolishAngel1987



Series: There's always happy endings [1]
Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Anxiety, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Insecurity, Low Self Esteem, M/M, Romantic Gestures, Secret Admirer, Self-Esteem Issues
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-30
Updated: 2020-05-27
Packaged: 2021-03-01 20:48:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 14,613
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23933353
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FoolishAngel1987/pseuds/FoolishAngel1987
Summary: Josh is not the guy that anyone chooses to date until one day he is.
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley & Josh Russo, Evan "Buck" Buckley/Josh Russo, Maddie Buckley & Josh Russo, Maddie Buckley/Howie "Chimney" Han
Series: There's always happy endings [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1725193
Comments: 12
Kudos: 62





	1. This could be something

Josh was never the guy anyone chooses to date. He knew this about himself and had long since accepted that it would likely never change. Most people were looking for someone more exciting than him, someone who sparkled just a little bit brighter than he did. That was not him and it had never been him. He tried to put himself out there but it was exhausting to constantly be wearing a mask and pretending to be something more than he was. He didn't want to pretend to like being the center of attention or hiding what he liked to do just because it might seem silly to other people. He just wanted to be himself and have someone who didn't want to change him or get bored of him so quickly. 

It was why he had taken a chance and tried a dating app, thinking that if he expanded to looking online, than maybe he would have more of a chance of finding a match. He should have known better when he matched up with Greg, it all seemed too perfect, too good to be true. And it had been. Greg wasn't his prince charming, he wasn't anyone's prince charming and Josh felt completely humiliated for putting himself out there only to be smacked back down to earth . Again. He could handle people not living up to their online persona, he could deal with no chemistry being there during the date. But he wasn't equipped to deal with getting his hopes up and then being let down so spectacularly. It left a hollow feeling in his chest and he never wanted to feel that way again.

So he pulled into himself and stayed guarded. He deleted all his online dating profiles. He stopped going out to singles night at bars and he refused to let anyone set him up. Why bother? It was never going to amount to anything good. He was never going to have the magical romantic moments that everyone else got to have. He wasn't going to be swept off his feet by some gorgeous man and ride off into the sunset and live happily ever after. 

Maybe he just wasn't meant to have anyone. Maybe he was just good to mess around with and that was it. Maybe that was all he was good for and no more. Maybe he should just learn to be happy with what he had and stop hoping for more.

**

“Hello? Earth to Josh.” Maddie's voice broke through his foggy thoughts and Josh came back into himself and looked across the table at his friend and coworker who was staring at him like she had been asking him a question over and over again and to be fair, she probably had been. Throughout their lunch break, he had managed to nod and respond to what she had been saying without paying too much attention as his thoughts drifted elsewhere. It's not that he didn't want to hear what she was saying, its just that he tended to be in his head more these days and sometimes it was hard to drag himself back out. She looked at him in concern. “Are you ok?”

“Yea I'm fine. Just thinking.” He told her, flashing a small smile as he turned his attention down to his plate and pushed his food around so it looked like he had eaten more then he had. “Sorry, what were you saying?”

“I was saying that maybe we should have another game night like we did two weeks ago.” She said innocently but Josh knew that look was just a really good front to the devious but well intentioned plan she most likely had brewing. “You could come over to my place, Chim will cook, there will be wine...”

“No.” He immediately said, his head already shaking and he waved his hands to back up his point. “The last time I hung out with you guys, you tried to set me up with Roger without even telling me you were trying to set me up.”

“I just wanted you to meet someone nice.” She replied, shrugging her shoulders. “And maybe I should have given you a heads up that I had invited someone for you.”

“Yea you should have but it's fine.” Josh waved off her apologetic look. He knew she meant well with Roger, but Josh knew from experience when something was going to work out and when it wasn't and he knew that Roger was not going to be the one for him. And if he was honest, he still carried with him the fear that once alone, the date was going to be a disappointment or worse. So why put himself in that position? He pushed his plate away and placed his elbows on the table and set his chin in one hand. “I just don't think dating is for me right now.”

“Come on Josh, don't you think you should get back out there and try again?” Maddie asked, that pitying look back on her face. It was easy for her to not understand his hesitance. Her first date after her marriage to Doug had led to a relationship with a great guy and she had never had to look elsewhere or go on a bunch of failed dates to find him. She had killed it right out of the gate. Josh knew she was on his side but she didn't get it, not really. “I really think you should give it a chance.”

“After what happened with Greg, I don't think that is a good idea.” Josh sighed, sitting back in his chair and crossing his arms. “He kind of took away any courage I had to find someone.”

“I know it was horrible but not every time is going to be like that.” Maddie said, reaching over to pat his arm in assurance and he knew logically that what she was saying was true but trying to get his heart to believe that was a lot harder. “You were so excited to try and meet someone.”

“Yea and look how well that went.” Josh said, his shoulder slumping. The first time he tried to put himself out there and be bold and he got beaten up for it. He was never the one to actively pursue anybody and he had no idea where that burst of courage had come from that made him seek out online dating but he knew for sure that it wasn't going to be returning. It was much safer to let it all go than to risk that feeling of helplessness and humiliation. He shook his head at Maddie. “I have no desire to have a repeat performance of that night.”

“I get it, I do.” Maddie frowned, her lips forming a tight thin line. “I just hate the thought of you being alone because some asshole ruined it for you and made you scared.”

“It's ok Maddie, I'm use to being alone.” He told her, suddenly feeling bad that she was upset for him. But it wasn't just because of what happened with Greg that had him not wanting to try again. He had never been a very big dater, he was lucky if he got any attention and that was when he had been actually trying. It never worked out and even when he had managed to get a relationship, it always ended because his partners wanted something different, wanted him to be different. It was one thing to change and be better for your partner but it was another thing entirely to have to acknowledge that you yourself were just not all that great. And once his past boyfriends realized that, they were gone and off to find someone more outgoing them him. Josh was never enough for anyone to put effort into to date and he was done trying to fight that. “This is just how things are. And I'm ok with that.”

“Maybe you should just try it at least one more time.” She said, perking up a bit and she looked hopeful. “You can even ask Buck to go with you this time.”

“Excuse me ?” Josh raised his eyebrows at her. That was a new one. “Did you actually just suggest that your younger brother accompany me as I try to date again?”

“Yea! Think about it.” She said excitedly, placing her hands on the table in front of her. She seemed very adamant about what she was saying. “You could set up a date in an even more public place, so it's safer. And have Buck come with you but like have him sit off to the side so he can be close by in case something goes wrong again.”

“You want me to have your brother come along with me on a date to act as my bodyguard? No thank you.” Josh shook his head, shutting down that idea before it could gain traction. The idea of someone like Buck: good looking and beloved Evan Buckley having to be nearby while Josh fumbled through trying to date someone was more than he could bear. He didn't need a witness to his awkwardness. “I was already humiliated enough, I don't need your brother to see how pathetic I am by asking him to supervise date night.”

“He wouldn't think that...” Maddie immediately said but Josh cut her off.

“That's not the point, I would think that and I don't need to carry around any more reminders of that night. And having Buck follow me around to keep an eye on me would be a reminder of why I needed him there in the first place.” He explained to her, sighing heavily and shrugged. He just couldn't do this again. There was no way he could allow himself to hope that he would ever have anything more in his life than he already had. He wasn't the person people dated and even when he did have dates, he was never enough for them to stick around, and that was the best case scenario. He smiled at Maddie “I'd rather just forget about the whole thing.”

“I hate that Greg ruined this for you. I wish I had stabbed him harder with that epi-pen.”

**

2 Days later

“Maddie Buckley, I am going to kill you.”

“What? Why?” Maddie whipped around as soon as he called out to her and he moved quickly across the room, taking her arm and pulling her off to the side. He tried to keep his face neutral but it was hard when he was practically boiling on the inside. The day had started out like any other until he had gotten to work and had been called over to the front desk. When the receptionist had handed him the package with a smile, Josh had been confused until he had unwrapped the box and read the note. And then he was furious. He knew Maddie was behind this and no matter how much she meant it to be a nice gesture, he didn't appreciate the whole game. He dropped the package on the counter between them and Maddie's eyes zeroed in on it before growing bigger. “Oh my god is that...”

“A heart shape box of chocolates? Yes it is.” He said under his breath even though they were alone in the break room. He didn't want anyone to overhear this. “From a secret admirer, no less.”

“Are you for real?” She giggled, reaching for the note, her eyes scanning the words before she looked up. “This is sweet. But why did you want to kill me?”

“Because I know this was all your doing.” He hissed, snatching the note back.. “I know you sent this to me to make me think there was someone out there who wanted to date me and...”

“Whoa whoa whoa. I didn't send this to you.” Maddie said, her forehead furrowed as she looked at him. “What makes you think that I did?”

“Only because it was just a few days ago when we were talking about me dating again and you were really trying to get me back out there.” He replied, remembering what they had talked about with complete clarity and remaining convinced that his friend had something to do with this. “It just seems like too much of a coincidence that we have that conversation and then a little over 48 hours later, I'm getting secret admirer chocolates at work. I know you want me to be happy and have what you have, but this is a little too much.”

“Josh I am telling you that this wasn't me.” She said, her voice sincere and a little pleading, almost begging him to believe her. He looked at her and then down at the note in his hand, not knowing how to feel as he looked over the short sentence.

** Josh,  
Something sweet for someone sweet.  
**your secret admirer**

“If this wasn't you, then who was it?” He wondered more to himself than to Maddie, not that he really expected an answer but it made him feel a little bit better to say it out loud. “This person knows where I work and sent me chocolates.”

“Chim is romantic but even he never did anything like this.” She said with a fond smile as she studied the box again. “I think it's nice whoever did this. ”

“Yea I guess.” Josh muttered, scratching the back of his as he fought off the wave of uneasiness. Who could it be? Would they be a nice person? Or was this just another way to lure him into a false sense of security? “But a heart shaped box of chocolates? It just seems so cliché.”

“Expensive chocolates. There's a difference.” Maddie pointed out, studying the package with an interested eye. “It's kind of cute. Corny but cute.”

“This is weird.” He said, leaning away from the box almost like he thought it was going to explode on him. “Who sends secret admirer gifts?”

“Cheesy romantics.” She said with a laugh. “Are you going to eat them?”

“Are you kidding? With what just happened with Greg, I don't trust random edible treats being sent to me.” He shook his head and grabbed the box and tossed it right into a nearby trash can, the box breaking opening and spilling the contents at the bottom. “They're probably filled with drugs or something.”

“I highly doubt that.” Maddie looked amused but she didn't stop him when he threw them out. “But you're keeping the note?”

“Just in case I need it for evidence.” He told her, putting the small card in his back pocket.

**

1 week later …

“Oh you have got to be kidding me.” Josh groaned to himself the moment he opened his front door and stared out into the hallway. 

“Uh, I'm sorry?” The poor delivery girl said from behind an armful of hydrangeas, which he immediately reached out and took from her, earning a small smile in return. “Thanks. Can you sign here please?”

“Yea sure” Josh set the pot on the table just inside the front door and reached for the clipboard to scribble his signature quickly and handed it back to her. “Here you go.”

“You must have a secret admirer.” She said, tucking the clipboard under her arm and turning to go, waving a hand in his direction. “Take care.”

“You too.” Josh nodded and then closed the door before turning to look accusingly at the pot of flowers on his front table. He grabbed them and moved them over to his kitchen counter, swiping the note that was attached to a small plastic holder and read it out loud in his empty apartment. “Josh, something to make you smile when you look at it until we meet, your secret admirer.”

He tossed the card on the counter next to the flowers and leaned his forehead against the cool marble and fought the urge to scream. He thought the chocolates had been a one time thing and had put it out of his mind in the days after his talk with Maddie. After all, there was no way anyone in this day and age would still be sending more anonymous gifts. It had to be a joke. He lifted his head and looked at the flowers. They were beautiful and if he was being honest, they were his favorite flowers. But it didn't stop him from being suspicious of the person who had sent them. What was their motivation? It couldn't be because they wanted to date him. It had to be for some nefarious reason. Like how Greg had sought him out after his inside man had overheard Josh saying he wanted to date again. What was the end goal with this?

Josh reached over and grabbed his phone, immediately Facetiming Maddie. When the call connected, he didn't even wait for her to say hi before he was speaking. “Omg I think someone is messing with me.”

“Well hello to you too.” She said, rolling her eyes fondly as she set the phone down against something. “What a nice greeting.”

“Yea, yea hi.” Josh said, shaking his head so he could clear his thoughts. “Are you busy right now?”

“No, Buck and Chim are just cleaning up from dinner.” She angled the phone so he could see her brother standing at the counter with Chim as they bother washed and dried dishes. She moved the phone back so only her face was in view. “What's going on?”

“You know that secret admirer who sent me the chocolates last week? Yea, they sent me flowers this time. At home.” He moved his phone so that she could see the pot of hydrangeas sitting in the middle of the counter. “I think someone is seriously messing with me.”

“Those are pretty.” She cooed admiringly, looking impressed. “But why are you so sure that this means someone is trying to mess with you?”

“Because what else could it mean?” He said loudly, throwing up his hands in frustration. “It definitely doesn't mean anything good.”

“You don't know that.” She told him, cocking her head to the side. “Why can't you just enjoy this?”

“Because the last time I thought things were going good in my love life, I ended up on a date with a jerk. I won't be fooled again.” He told her, breathing through his nose so she couldn't tell how panicked his breaths were coming. If this had happened months ago, then maybe he could have welcomed it without so much cynicism. But now he was too guarded to see past it. “I just don't know what this person wants from me. And they obviously know stuff about me if they know where I work and where I live.”

“Ok don't panic. Its just some sweet gestures, nothing bad has happened, remember that.” She assured him and Josh wished she was here in the room with him, he could really use a hug right now. “But you have to see what is going on. I mean you do, don't you?”

“No I don't.”

“Josh you're being wooed.” She told him, fighting a smile as she said it.

“Who's being wooed?” Buck suddenly appeared behind Maddie, his smile blinding as he waved at the screen. “Hey Josh.”

“Hey Buck.” Josh did his best not to blush but it was difficult when Evan Buckley was smiling right at you. “Maddie thinks I'm the one being wooed.”

“That's good isn't it?” He asked, looking down at Maddie in confusion.

“That's what I have been telling him.” His sister said, looking at the screen again with a smirk. “But he seems to think that someone is doing this as a trick.”

“But isn't sending someone flowers and chocolate a romantic gesture?” Buck asked, pressing his lips together in thought. “I mean I always thought it was.”

“Yea, but its different for me.” Josh told him, feeling his stomach tightened in embarrassment that someone like Buck knew about his situation but that couldn't be helped now. “I just don't think it will end up going well.”

“Why do you...” Buck began to ask but was waved off by his sister.

“Go away, I'm talking to my friend.” Maddie said, pushing him slightly so he was out of frame and Josh was grateful for her efforts. He did not want Buck to witness any more of his pathetic problems. When they were finally alone again., Maddie said quietly. “I really do think that this is someone trying to woo you. I don't think it's meant to be taken with suspicion.”

“I wish I had your confidence. But this stuff always ends up in disappointment for me.” Josh sighed, rubbing his hands down his face, glancing at the flowers again. Why did the universe have to keep on trying to drag him off some where? He already knew he wasn't worth dating. So why was someone trying to convince him otherwise? He turned back to his phone. “Distract me please.”

“Ok, let me tell you how Chim almost set my kitchen on fire....”

**  
1 week later

“So have you figured it out yet?”

“What? Who the secret admirer is? No I have no idea.” Josh told Maddie as they sat across from each other in Josh's favorite coffee shop, eating lunch. He knew she was going to bring it up and he was surprised it had taken until the end of lunch for her to bring it into the conversation, but here it was. He hadn't been lying, he really didn't know who it was. He didn't even have a clue. What exactly was he suppose to be going on? The notes weren't handwritten, the chocolate and flowers were paid in cash, so he couldn't get any hints about what the person looked like. He was completely in the dark here and it was kind of making him antsy. He wanted to know who it was, but he wasn't sure what he wanted to happen. Josh fiddled with the paper from his straw and frowned down at the table. “I just wonder when this is all going to end?”

“You still can't let yourself enjoy this?” She asked, a smile playing across her face. She was the one enjoying this whole situation. She was on the outside so she just saw all these gestures and thought it was cute and didn't understand the anxiety that came with it. “I mean, nothing has happened to even suggest that this will lead to anything bad.”

“I know that, but the fact that this person knows where I work and live and has sent gifts and the fact that I still don't know who they are is driving me crazy.” Josh tossed the paper off to the side and sat back in his chair staring out the window. “It's making me nervous. I feel like I am being stalked.”

“But would you still like that if it turns out to be someone you know?” Maddie asked, taking a last bite of her salad and set the fork down with a slight clatter. “I know I probably already said this many times, but this could be a good thing.”

“I didn't ask for this.” Josh told her, swallowing hard. “I didn't ask to be pursued or wooed with gifts. I just wanted to be left alone.”

“I'm not trying to invalidate how you feel, but I think you're still lying to yourself. I think you're just scared and that's left you paranoid about everyone's intentions.”

“Yea I know I am scared, How could I not be? But you don't know if this guy has good intentions.” Josh said pointedly, not wanting to get angry with her but she just didn't understand. “And even if he did, it most likely would never work out anyway.”

“Why are you so certain that it would end in disaster?”

“Because I don't get the happy endings that everyone else gets. And I have years of proof to back that up.” Josh replied, motioning to the waitress to bring over the check before looking back at Maddie, willing her to finally get it. “I have long since accepted that I'm just not that guy. And that's ok.”

“I hate that you feel that way.” Maddie told him, reaching out to pat his arm. “You're my best friend and I want you to have everything.”

“Well I appreciate that, but I know how these things wind up going.” Josh explained, trying to put a smile on for her benefit. “It starts out good, but then it always goes south and I get left behind. Guys always want more then me. Sometimes they don't even stick around long enough to know the small things about me, so it's not so shocking that they just up and leave.”

“Josh...” Maddie began to say but the waitress appeared at their table at that moment , no check in hand. 

“So actually you guys are good to go.” The older woman told them, reaching over for their empty plates and stacking them on top of each other. “Your bill is already paid for.”

“What? By who?” Josh immediately looked around the small cafe but he didn't spot anyone he recognized right off the bat. He met Maddie's eyes but she too looked confused. “Someone just walked in and paid a strangers bill?”

“No he said he knew you. A nice young man came in the other day and said that the next time you ate here, that he wanted to pay for it. So he did.” The woman told them, her face showing that she thought this was sweet but Josh just felt his stomach twisting with nerves. The woman picked up their plates and smiled at him. “He seemed very sweet, and nervous. But it was adorable.”

“What did he...” Josh started to ask but the woman was already weaving through the other tables to the back of the cafe and disappearing through the double doors, leaving Josh to look at Maddie in frustration. “Oh hell.”

“Ok, that was...strange.” She said, her lips pressed into a line but it was more to keep herself from smiling. “But a free meal is never a bad thing.”

“Now this guy knows my favorite cafe to eat at. And he's paying for meals? And I don't know who he is.” Josh bit his lip, going over it in his head but nothing came to mind. Who knew these things about him? Not that it would be hard to find out if they were really determined. It took everything he had not to start freaking out on the spot. “I'm kind of freaking out.”

“Don't freak out yet.” Maddie held up her hands like she was afraid he was going to bolt from his chair any second. “It's going to be ok.”

“I don't know about that.” Josh mumbled as they got up and headed outside, turning towards the parking lot and he couldn't help but look at everyone they passed. Was any of these guys the secret admirer? What was going to happened next? Would he ever find out who it was?

**

Maddie sat up in bed that night, Chim already asleep beside her and stared at the wall in front of her, thinking of Josh. He had looked so nervous when they left the cafe and she had wanted to assure him that he didn't need to be so worried but she knew her words wouldn't help much. Josh had been wrecked with anxiety since the chocolates a few weeks ago and every time a new gift arrived, it didn't put him at ease. He just kept assuming the worst, assuming that the person behind it was going to be some crazy person. And she got why he felt that way but being on the other side made her want to just spill her guts so he would feel better. She knew she couldn't do that, it would ruin everything but this couldn't keep on going. Especially after the cafe thing today, the next time Josh might just have a damn heart attack. Maddie reached for her phone and after debating for a few seconds, dialed a number and waited for the person to pick up. When he did, she started speaking before he could get a word in.

“You need to tell Josh it's you. OK? He's starting to really freak out that this is all leading to something bad and I don't think its a good idea to keep this going on. I know you wanted to spend more time sweeping him off his feet and that's sweet but I just think that telling him that it's you is better in the long run. He's paranoid that you are secretly a creep and you need to prove that you're not. Once he sees that it is you, it will be ok. But I think another gesture is just going to throw him over the edge. So please, tell him.”

**  
The next day

“This is such a stupid idea.” Josh muttered to himself as he stood off to the side of the gravel path and watched as everyone passed him by, some of them shooting him odd looks for just standing there, but he tried to ignore them as he waited, thinking about what had led him here. He wasn't expecting to just wind up in the park tonight waiting to meet up with a complete stranger but that was exactly what he was here to do. He was ready to just put this behind him and move on.

He had gotten the note this morning as he was about to head out the door to work. He had just pulled on his coat and was grabbing his keys when he saw the envelope on the floor that had been pushed under the door and he froze. He hadn't wanted to open it, in fact he had just wanted to toss it in the trash and forget it had ever been here. But something convinced him to hold on to it. He had left his apartment and gotten into his car, and tried to remain calm. It wasn't until he had gotten to work and was just sitting in the parking lot that he finally decided to read the contents of the note.

** Josh,  
I know I probably have been freaking you out with all these notes and gifts and I'm sorry if I made you think the worst. If you want to know who I am, meet me in the park near the gazebo by your apartment at 7 tonight. If you don't show up, then I will stop pursuing you and this will be the last time you get anything from me. I hope you do show up  
**

Josh checked his watch. 6:58 pm. He was standing on the grass right in front of the gazebo looking around. There was definitely plenty of people walking the path and wondering around, so he wasn't afraid of there not being anyone there if this went bad. But none of them came close to approaching him and he was starting to wonder if this guy was actually going to show up. Maybe he was being stood up and the guy had changed his mind. That wouldn't be too much of a shock. He would even be ok with it if that's how this all ended. Although he would be kind of disappointed not to know who it had been..

“Josh!” A familiar voice called out to him and he turned around to see Buck jogging up the gravel path towards him, looking like he had run all the way from the parking lot over to him. Once he reached the spot where Josh was standing, he took a few seconds to gather his breath and calm down. Josh couldn't help but crack a smile, he always had that feeling when Buck was around, even though he would never admit it, he couldn't admit it. People like Buck didn't feel those kind of things for people like Josh. Buck straightened up with a sheepish grin, rocking back and forth on his heels. “Hey.”

“Hey yourself.” Josh replied, looking at the taller man with his eyebrows raised. “Just going for a jog in your street clothes?”

“No, why would you...” Buck cut himself off as he looked down at his jeans and sweater and wrinkled his nose. “Ahh.”

“Yea.” Josh rolled his eyes in amusement. “So not that I'm not thrilled to see you. But I was kind of waiting for someone.”

“Yea about that.” Buck began, looking nervous, swinging his arms around. “So Maddie...”

“Oh my god, did she tell you to come watch over me?” Josh felt the heat rise up in his cheeks and the familiar sensation of humiliation started to coil in his stomach. “I only just told her about the note an hour before my shift ended and she called you to be my body guard?”

“No Josh, that's not it...”

“No offense, but this is not your business and it's not Maddie's business.” Josh said, clenching his hands and trying not to lose it but it was hard. He felt so small, needing someone to look over him when he didn't ask for it. “I didn't ask for help with this.”

“You have it all wrong. Maddie didn't ask me to be here.”

“Then why did you just show, like you meant to be here.”

“Because its 7 pm.” Buck said, throwing up his hands and staring at him like he was willing him to understand. At first Josh didn't realized why Buck was telling him the time, it seemed like such a random thing to say. Why would he ….Josh's thoughts froze in place as it hit him. 7 pm, the time when he was suppose to be learning the identity of his secret admirer and here Buck appeared right in front of him, looking nervous and jumpy. Buck must have seen the truth settle in his face and he shot him a small smile. “Josh its...”

“It's you.” Josh said, knowing suddenly without a doubt that it was the truth, his fingers shaking nervously and he clasped them behind his back so Buck couldn't see. Buck stood in front of him silently, his own hands tucked into his pockets as he kicked at the gravel near his feet, a look of apprehension on his face. Was this actually happening? Buck, attractive and sweet Evan Buckley was the one behind this whole secret admirer thing. It just didn't seem real and yet... Josh waited for the other man to say something to prove him wrong but nothing came. Buck was just looking at him waiting for him to say something. This was very much real. Oh boy. Josh swallowed down his nerves before speaking again, trying his hardest to keep his voice from shaking like his hands. “You're my secret admirer. You're the one who has been sending me those notes and gifts.”

“Yea, it was me.” Buck admitted almost sheepishly, a hand coming out to scratch at the back of his head. “I guess it was kind of a cheesy way of showing my interest, but I thought the gesture was nice.”

“It was very nice. Just unexpected.” Josh nodded, more for himself than in agreement with Buck. He didn't know what to do right now. A part of him wanted to jump in the air in excitement, but another part- a much bigger part of him wanted to run away before he was horribly disappointed. Because if there was one thing Josh understood, it was having being disappointed romantically most of his life. It just didn't make sense for Buck to be standing here saying he had an interest in Josh. Josh twisted and untwisted his fingers from around each other. “It was unexpected in every aspect.”

“Is it a bad thing that it's me?” Buck was frowning and Josh immediately wanted to smack himself for putting his foot in his mouth like that. Buck shoved his hand back in his pocket and then asked. “Are you wishing that it wasn't ….”

“No!” Josh interrupted, needing to squash that thought right away. Even if he didn't understand why Buck would do this, he was not going to be hurtful about it. Honesty was the way to go. He stepped forward a bit and said earnestly “I'm just surprised that's all.”

“Why?” Buck looked confused, only adding to his cuteness and Josh had to stop himself from staring too long at his face. “Why is it so surprising for me to be the one pursuing you?”

“Because it's you.” Josh said, dropping his arms at his sides in frustration. Why couldn't Buck understand that this whole thing was kind of insane? That none of it made sense.

“What's that suppose to mean?” Buck almost looked offended and honestly who could blame him. Josh practically tripped over himself to try and explain.

“Come on Buck, you have to see things from my perspective.” Josh motioned for Buck to follow him off the path and towards a bunch of low hanging trees so they could have a little bit more privacy. Once they had stopped moving, Josh said “Have you ever looked in a mirror? You're hot and you've got muscles for miles and everyone drools when you walk by, men and women.” 

“Well thanks.” Buck was trying to fight back a smile and the sight of it made Josh's stomach swoop and soar. Buck cocked his head to the side like he was debating something. “So you're saying that's all I bring to the table? A hot body and a cute face? That's why it doesn't make sense for me to like you?” 

“No, no. You're attractive but it's more than that.” Josh closed his eyes, hardly believing he was about to do this and when he did, he couldn't be looking at Buck when he did or else it wouldn't happen. He was going to regret this and most likely this was going to end with him being humiliated but he'd rather it happen now then down the road. He had to protect himself and part of that was making sure Buck completely got what he was trying to say. “You're funny and nice. You like kids and animals. You tease your friends just to make them laugh when they've had a bad day. You never forget anyone's birthday. You're almost stupidly loyal. You have this endless energy that just pours out of you and it makes everyone want to be near you. It's like sunshine. I don't know anyone like you. Everything about you is wonderful. You're brave and reckless and fearless and it's completely terrifying and so damn hot at the same time.” 

“So what’s the problem?” Buck really did look confused. Clearly he had pictured a different way of this meeting going down.

“What the hell do you want with me?” Josh hated how his voice sounded like he was accusing Buck of something. Buck looked startled.

“I don’t get it.” Buck pulled his hands out of his jacket pockets and waved one in the air between them. “You just said all these nice things about me, flattering things...”

“Ok look I’m not being self deprecating right now but I don’t think I’m terrible looking...” 

“Because you’re not.” Buck interrupted, a smile tugging at his lips as he spoke, bringing that swooping feeling back to Josh's stomach. Damn it, this was going to be hard.

“But I’m not the attractive one.” Josh practically snapped, hating that he sounded upset but seriously how was Buck still not understanding? He frowned at the taller blonde man and just shrugged, the words tumbling out of him so fast that they almost bled together and his breathing became more frantic. “You and I are two very different people. You are way out of my league. I’m not the cool hip guy that people flock to and want to be around. I wouldn’t be on anyone’s top 10 list of people they’d want to sleep with. No one lusts after me. People look at me and then they look past me, they always have. They always want someone more interesting, more fun, more everything. I’m the quiet, geeky person who likes movies in the park and thinks the best kind of date is an evening spent in Barnes and Noble. People will look at me and then look at you and think 'what the hell is he doing with that loser?'”

Silence fell between them and all they could hear was the wind in the tree branches and the occasional bird flying across the sky. Buck had a look of realization on his face and even though Josh was glad he finally seemed to see what Josh had been telling him, Josh was feeling the tiniest twinge of regret. But it was for the best. If they didn't start something now, then he couldn't be disappointed weeks or months from now.

“Well fuck them. I don’t care what people think.” Buck's tone shook Josh out of his thoughts, a new determined look filling his features.

“You can’t just not care what people think. Peoples opinions matter.”

“The only opinions I care about are my friends and family. And they will like you because I like you. No one else matters.” Buck nodded as if the matter was settled. Josh sighed, shaking his head.

“It can’t be that easy.” Josh wanted this so badly but how could he allow himself to hope for some magical fairy tale when he couldn't see what had even captured Buck's interest in the first place. There was no way Buck was serious about this.

“Maybe not that easy, but that simple.” 

“I want to believe that this is real and the kind of moment everyone experiences but it just seems too good to be true. It never works out for guys like me.” Josh explained, flashing back to that night in the park with Greg, remembering how excited he was to finally be putting himself out there only to not only be let down, but to be beaten and humiliated by night's end. He could not bear opening himself up again just to have it all be a mistake, Not that he thought Buck was anything like Greg, but Buck was beautiful and beautiful men never stuck around the Josh Russos of the world. “I'm not saying ...”

“Ok, I know we haven't spent all that much time together and I guess I can understand why you would be hesitant to believe that I'm genuinely interested in you but do you want to know why I like you? What it is about you that I like and have learned about you? Fine, I’ll read you my list.” 

“You have a list?” Josh felt his mouth drop open, probably comically so as Buck reached behind him and pulled a small square of paper from his back pocket and unfolded it. He could see there was writing on it but he couldn't grab on to any particular words. He was still stunned that Buck had simply pulled it out like it was no big deal. “Oh my god you have an actual literal list in your pocket.”

“The first time we met...” Buck began

“Is this really happening?” Josh couldn't help saying, almost laughing at the look of frustration that took over Buck's face.

“Are you going to let me do this or not?”

“Sorry, go ahead.” 

“I know that you giggle more than you laugh. When you're nervous, you shrug a lot and your shoulders touch the bottom of your ears so you look like a turtle shrinking back into it's shell. You're terrible at poker. You have fantastic taste in wine. I remember you mentioning once that you have a fear of motorcycles, so that's off the list of possible date ideas. You always listen when I talk, even when I'm rambling about something stupid I read on the internet, you never try to get out of the conversation. I always feel like I'm fighting off a smile when you look at me. When Maddie first came to L.A., you were one of the first people that she felt comfortable being around and that meant everything to me that she had found a friend that she felt safe with. You're never cruel or mean to anyone, even when they probably deserve it. And for some reason you always smell like pepper and evergreen trees.”

“I have a lot of candles.” Josh mumbled, grimacing at the ridiculous response but Buck only smiled as he folded the list back up and returned it to his pocket.

“I know it's probably a stupid list and most people would think it's just a bunch of nonsense, but its stuff that stayed with me anytime I thought about you. And the more I read over it, the more I realized how I felt about you and I should probably say something.” Buck bit his bottom lip, looking more nervous than he had since they had met up 15 minutes ago, it was very strange to see Evan Buckley like this. The two of them stared at each other and then a look of what could only be described as pure gentleness and fondness settled in Buck's eyes and what he said next, almost tilted the world on its axis. “Josh I don’t know how else to say to say it. But you kind of take my breath away.”

“Oh Wow. Uh...um.” Josh could feel the heat rising up the back of his neck and for a moment, he thought his knees would buckle. No one had ever felt this way about him. And certainly no one had ever expressed any kind of feeling about him so openly before. It was a new sensation. A sensation that everyone else had gotten to experience many times over while he watched and wondered when it was going to be his turn. This was really happening. Buck was serious. He was so completely serious. Josh glanced at him again, needing to be sure. “You really want this? You actually want to date me?”

“Yes.” Buck didn't add anything else and really he didn't need to. He had said everything that needed to be said. It made hope bloom in Josh's chest but it also stirred the old fear that always lingered these days.

“It's not that I don't feel the same. I do.” Josh said hurriedly, noticing how Buck almost looked like he was going to flinch. “But I'm still trying to figure out how to let people back in. Especially when it comes to dating and stuff.”

“Shit I forgot about Greg. I'm sorry.” Buck made a move like he wanted to smack his hand against his forehead but he stopped himself, a gesture that made Josh press his lips together to stop a laugh from escaping. Buck straightened himself out and then looked at Josh with resolve and determination. “Ok you know what? Why don’t you think about it and I’ll text you in a few days and you can let me know then? And if you decide you can’t do this right now or you’re not comfortable with it,then I’ll respect whatever you decide and drop the whole thing.” 

“Just like that?” Josh asked, eyebrows raised. 

“If that’s what you want then yes. I’m not going to force myself on you if you’re not interested and I’m not going to pressure you to jump into something with me even if you are interested but not ready. It’s all up to you. You decide when and if you want this. You know where I stand, now it’s all up to you.”

Josh looked at Buck, studying his face for a moment as he tried to collect himself. Buck said all the right things and as hard as it was to accept through a cloud of nerves and apprehension, Josh knew deep down that he meant them. That if Josh were to tell him right here and now that he wanted nothing to do with him romantically, then Buck would take that and walk away just like he said. Maybe it was stupid to jump into something with a co-worker's brother, maybe it was insane to try dating another gorgeous man so soon after the horror that was the blind date with Greg. Maybe this would end badly and he would lose a friend. Or maybe he should take a chance and stop telling himself that the sky was going to fall down on him. Maybe this could end well. Maybe this could be something. Maybe he should just stop trying to deny himself anything good and just take the jump. Maybe the universe was finally extending him an olive branch. He'd be a fool not to take it. He met Buck's eyes again and shrugged so his shoulders touched his ear lobes.

“Ok, I'll think about it.”


	2. You've already got me coming undone

When Buck had said he could think about it, he hadn't been kidding.

It had been almost two weeks since that night in the park when Josh had learned that Buck was his secret admirer and since then, he had done exactly what Buck had suggested he do- to think about the two of them possibly dating. And boy did he think about it. At first he thought the answer would come to him easily, after all what was there to even think about? Buck was probably as close to the ideal perfect guy as Josh could ever hope to find. He was kind and funny and beautiful and Josh already knew he was a good guy. And he liked Josh and told him he liked him with no hidden meanings or cryptic hints that Josh had to decipher. There was no games when it came to Buck, he said what he meant and what he wanted and had left it up to Josh to decide where they went from here or even if they went anywhere.

But that little part of his brain that never seemed to shut up, kept on whispering doubts to him. Maybe Buck had changed his mind and he was too polite to say so. Or that Buck was secretly asking him out because he felt sorry for Josh and thought he would be doing a nice thing. After all, Josh still found it hard to believe that someone like Buck was genuinely interested in him and had made those cheesy romantic gestures because he was trying to woo him, It really didn't seem like it was happening to him and he was terrified to trust Buck's sincerity.

But Buck had seemed to sense that and instead of distancing himself for the past few weeks, he gave Josh those first few days after the reveal to come to terms with it and then he started texting and calling. They would talk before they fell asleep most nights and text each other through out the day. Most of the time it wasn't about anything important, just what was going on. And Josh loved the small flutter in his stomach that came whenever he checked his phone on breaks and saw that he had messages from Buck. Then came the hang outs on their days off. They hadn't had many times like that, but when they did, it was completely casual, usually having coffee or drinks at Buck's place that way if Josh felt the need to escape, he could. He didn't count those moments as dates because they barely touched and there was no romantic tension in the air, Buck tried very hard to keep it all very friendly but once in a while Josh saw this look in his eyes that said his thoughts were elsewhere and when Josh had licked his bottom lip in nervousness, Buck had turned to look at something across the room ; the barest hint of redness coming to his cheeks. 

Things were good; calm even. And as he sat at Buck's kitchen table nursing a single beer, he wondered what could be beyond that and it sounded like he was about to find out.

“So I was thinking...” Buck began to say, tearing off a piece of the label on his bottle and flicking it across the table with a smile aimed at Josh and raised his eyebrows. “That maybe we should try something.”

“Like what?” Josh asked, trying his hardest to keep a neutral expression on his face but it was hard to do when he was looking at Buck and seeing the excitement in his eyes. “You clearly have something in mind.”

“I think we should try a casual date.” Buck said, nodding more to himself than to Josh and leaned across the table, his hands clasped together in almost child like delight. “What do you think?”

“A casual date.” Josh turned the idea over in his head a few times. What would a casual date mean in Buck terms? Hell Josh wasn't sure he knew what casual date meant in his own terms. “What does that mean exactly?”

“You know...casual.” Buck replied, the corners up his mouth turning up slightly. “Like no big deal.”

“Wasn't that what a regular date with you was going to promise anyway?” Josh asked curiously, his own hands coming together in his lap so Buck couldn't see them.

“I mean yea I guess it was.” Buck agreed, his fingers now tapping lightly on the table top. “ But this would be even more casual than that.”

“How so?”

“Well, I won't try and kiss you at the end of the night.” Buck said with a smirk and Josh felt a flush come over him at the mention of a kiss. It had been so long since anyone had been so blatant about their intentions and it was honestly it was refreshing about as much as it was terrifying. But he couldn't deny that the idea of kissing Buck kind of sort of thrilled him. Not that he would ever admit that out loud.

“You sound so sure of yourself.” Josh rolled his eyes, trying to maintain his composure but it was hard when he was practically shouting inside his head for Buck to kiss him, now right now. “So what is your idea of a casual date?”

“Well like I said it would be no big deal, you could come here and we could just hang out.” Buck bit his bottom lip almost nervously. “And I could maybe cook for you.”

“You want to cook me dinner?” Josh wasn't expecting that even though that was the most typical of casual date ideas. But he had never experienced that before. Usually the shoe was on the other foot and he was the one cooking dinner and putting in all the effort and here was Buck offering the complete opposite of what he was use to along with the promise of it being no strings attached. How was this man even real? Josh had to compose himself before he spoke again. “You know how to do that?”

“I've been on my own for a very long time, I've had to teach myself the basics of being an adult. So yes, I know how to cook.” He smiled brightly, almost knocking the wind out of Josh's lungs from the sheer brilliance of it. “So what do you think? It's completely up to you. Or if you need more time to think about it then that's obviously ok too...”

“Yes.”

“Yes what?” Buck cocked his head to the side in a way that made the flutter in Josh's stomach even stronger.

“I'm saying yes to the casual date.” Josh replied, no longer able to fight off the smile. “We can consider it a starting point to when we go an a real date.”

“When we go on a real date?” Buck asked, raising his eyebrows and allowing his fingers to drift across the table top until they brushed against Josh's. “You're thinking it might end up going that way?”

“Oh shut up.” Josh shot back grinning as he touched his fingertips to Buck's, secretly relishing in the feel of the skin on skin contact. “Now tell me more about you cooking dinner for me.”

Buck's smile was radiant like a summer sun and when he started talking, Josh leaned in closer to catch every word. But even as he listened and smiled, Josh couldn't help but wonder how long it would take before he lost it all. After all, it just wasn't realistic for a person like Buck to be genuinely interested in him. Josh knew that but Buck seemed to refuse to even acknowledge that possibility. Josh knew he was never going to be enough for Buck and when Buck finally realized that; it would be for the best. For now though, Josh would enjoy the little time he had with Buck and not even think about who was going to come after him when Buck finally realized that he wanted more than silly, nerdy barely experienced Josh.

  
{*-*}{*-*}

Josh should have known the moment he allowed himself to think of all the ways this could end badly that those thoughts would take over and consume him. And boy did they.

Luckily he was able to put it out of his mind while he was on shift, but every other moment of the day, his thoughts just kept going around in circles. First telling him that this could be ok and that Buck was a good guy with a genuine interest in him but then it would drift to Buck just feeling sorry for him and that was why he was trying to date Josh and then it would swing over to even if Buck did have a true interest in him, there was no way it would last because Buck was an experienced man and knew exactly what he liked and what he was willing to put up and as soon as he realized that Josh was no where near as experienced and could never measure up to the people who came before him, Buck would be pulling away in search of someone more suitable for him. The cycle repeated itself so often that it was starting to give him vertigo and there had been moments when he had to stop and sit himself down before he fell over. Maddie tried on more than one occasion to ask him about it but he didnt want to divulge his insecurities about the man he liked to his older sister. So he had simply smiled and said he hadn't been sleeping well and left it at that.

It hadn't been a lie exactly. His sleep hadn't been the best all week since that last hang out with Buck when the other man had suggested the casual date. Josh should have been excited and thrilled but instead he was filled with anxiety and fear and was starting to dread every text and phone call that came from Buck, making Josh wonder if this was the time that Buck finally realized that Josh was just not worth it.

So when Buck had invited him over for coffee so they could plan out their casual date, Josh had agreed, wanting to savor every last moment he had with Buck before it was all gone. He let Buck do most of the talking and planning, only piping up when Buck was asking about any food allergies or dislikes. He was trying so hard and Josh could almost convince himself that he could have this.

“Hey, are you ok?” Buck asked suddenly, bringing Josh out of his thoughts with a wave of his hand and Josh could see his face had wrinkled with a frown. “You've been kind of quiet. Not your usual chatty self.”

“I've just been thinking a lot. And not sleeping well.” Josh admitted before he could stop himself and his confession seemed to have landed heavily on Buck who sat up in alarm. Josh was quick to assure him. “Don't worry its nothing bad..”

“Are you sure?” Buck questioned, biting his bottom lip. “Because if it's about the date, we don't have to ...”

“No no I want to.” Josh told him quickly, scrambling to get the words out before Buck gook it back completely. “It's not that.”

“But it is something.” Buck sat back in his chair, his coffee forgotten off to the side as he rubbed a hand down his face before looking at Josh again. “Talk to me. What's going on?”

“I don't know. I just...” Josh trailed off, wondering how he was going to say this without coming off sounding like a complete idiot. “I can't help but think this is never going to work between us.”

“Ok...” Buck looked contemplative for a second before saying “I don't understand. I told you that I was interested in you.”

“I know.” 

“I..I sent cheesy secret admirer gifts trying to be romantic. I've never done that before.” Buck sucked in his bottom lips, looking more confused than before. “I read you my list of things that I know about you and like about you. I was open and communicative. That's what you're suppose to do when you like someone.”

“It is ….”

“So what's the problem?” Buck looked him straight on and the intensity of his gaze had Josh pinned in his seat. “I've been honest about my intentions.”

“It's not that. It's...” Josh closed his eyes briefly, hating the wave of insecurity that threatened to drown him in that moment but he kept going. “I can't help but wonder when you are going to look at me and realize that you want more.”

“I've been looking at you for months and I haven't thought that.” Buck admitted, sounding almost defensive. “Why would you think that would change now?”

“Because I've been thinking about it and I don't think you realize how much I'm not going to measure up!” Josh found himself snapping, surprising both himself and Buck with the intensity of his outburst but he needed to make the other man understand. “You may think you want this now when it's all caught up in the romance of the early days but what about about down the road?”

“Are you saying that I'm not thinking ahead?” Buck cocked his head to the side his face neutral but his voice had the tiniest bit of a shake to it. “That I'm not serious about us?”

“I think right now you think you are.” Josh told him, looking down at the table so he didn't have to see the look on Buck's face. “But when things start moving faster and then get physical...”

“Josh...”

“You are going to realize that I am not what you want or need.” Josh plowed ahead, the words gathering in his throat wanting to come out. “You are going to wind up disappointed.”

“You don't know that.”

“Buck come on. Let's not lie to ourselves.” Josh wanted so badly to take it all back but he knew in the long run that this was going to be for the best and that Buck would eventually thank him for it. “I've been with other guys but I'm no where near as experienced as you.”

“What are you saying?” Buck sounded hurt and Josh's eyes snapped to his face to see that his expression matched the sound of his voice. “That I've slept around too much to be able to have a serious relationship and be happy with it?”

“That's not what I meant.” Josh hurried to fix the damage, his head a whirlwind of thoughts and he wanted nothing more then to just run out the door. “I just mean, you've been with more people than I have....”

“Still sounds like an insult.” Buck muttered, crossing his arms

“I just need you to understand that when it gets to the physical aspect of things between us, that I'm never going to be able to measure up to everyone who came before me.” Josh quickly told him, wincing at the way his words sounded. “You're use to a certain level of sexual experience...”

“Because of my slutty past.” Buck cut him, his eyes drifting across the room to the window. “It's not all about sex.”

“No, but it is a part of it. And that part can affect the rest of the relationship. And if you find me lacking in that department, then it will bleed over to everything else.” Josh explained, throwing his hands up before dropping them down into his lap, shrugging his shoulders. “There is possibility now when it's all fresh and new, but once it gets beyond that; its not going to last.”

“Why are you so sure that this will end in disaster?” Buck asked, turning his head to look at him square in the eye. “Why can't you just take a chance?”

“Because if this ends badly, then I won't have multiple opportunities after it like you do!”

“I see.” Buck said quietly and the low tone in his voice hit Josh harder than anything else had so far. Buck stood up and took his cup over to the sink. “Maybe we should take a break and talk another day.”

“Buck I didn't mean that the way it sounded.” Josh felt horrified at what had come out of his mouth and he wanted nothing more than to take it all back. He too stood up, not sure if he should go over to Buck. “I just...”

“You've made yourself perfectly clear.” Buck responded calmly, his back still turned. “But I think you should leave. We'll talk later.”

Josh wanted to protest and dig in his heels and say that he wasn't going anywhere. But he knew he had insulted Buck and that the other man needed time alone to collect himself, so Josh sighed and grabbed his keys and quickly left Buck's apartment. Every step of the way down to the parking lot had Josh beating himself up for how he had spoken to Buck. He wished he had chosen different words but he hadn't and now he may have lost a friend and not just a potential relationship. He was such a jerk. Josh had barely reached his car and pulled open the door when his phone buzzed in his pocket and he pulled it out to see it was a text message form Buck.

_Be at my apartment at 6:30 on Saturday for our casual date. Yes it is still happening. We'll try that whole talking thing again except without the insults. See you then, looking forward to it._

{*-*}{*-*}

**Saturday**

Message 4:35 p.m  
_...Hey Josh, I think we need to push back our date till 7. I may have made a bit of a mess in the kitchen that I should clean up before you get here. There is flour everywhere!_

Message 5:12p.m.  
_…. Ok, change of plans, come at 6:30 like I originally said. Apparently I panicked about the flour. Everything is fine._  
  
Message 5:57 p.m.  
_I guess you're probably on your way over but if you get here before I get done with my shower, just come on in, the door is unlocked. Do not look in the fridge, its a surprise_

Message 6:15 p.m   
_You haven't responded yet, are you stuck in traffic? Call me when you get a chance_

Message 6:45 p.m.  
_Don't worry about being late. Just get here safely. I'll get started warming up the appetizers_.

Message 7:15 p.m.  
_You can't still be stuck in traffic can you? I haven't heard about any accidents that would delay it that much. Why aren't you answering your phone?_

Message 8:45 p.m.  
_You're not coming are you? That's why you're not answering my texts or calls._

Message 9:07 p.m.  
_Sorry you missed dinner. It was excellent. My best effort yet. Too bad you're not here to try it. Good night Josh._

Josh stared down at the table top where his cell phone was laying and read all the text messages again from Buck and just like before when he first read them, he cringed at how hopeful Buck had sounded and how dejected the messages came across when the last one was sent. He almost wanted to pick up the phone and call Buck right then and there and apologize but he stopped himself. What was there to say? He had stood the man up. And not just in the sense that he didn't show up for the date, Josh took the coward's way and didn't even respond to messages or calls. He just went completely silent while Buck seemed to have convinced himself at first that he wasn't being stood up and Josh was simply late. And then when Buck realized what was really happening, he still tried to come across as charming and lighthearted even when he was probably very hurt by what Josh had done.

Josh had debated whether he should have just called Buck to tell him that they shouldn't do the date and have that be that. After all Buck had made it clear from the beginning that Josh held the power and if he didn't want anything to progress between them, then all he had to do was say no and Buck would stop any effort on his part to woo Josh. But Josh hadn't said anything, he just let Buck continue to plan and hope until it blew up in his face. He could just picture Buck scrambling around his kitchen getting things ready and not knowing that all his work would be in vain because Josh hadn't fucking said anything!! Oh god he was so stupid. Why did he let it get this far? 

Josh sort of knew why. After not having the power when it came to his romantic life in so long, he clung to any sort of control he could get this time. He decided when and if Buck and he had a future. It was up to Josh whether they moved forward even a little bit. Josh had the choice in what was a comfortable date night. Josh had all the power and Buck had given it up to him without keeping any for himself because he thought that was what Josh needed. He put in so much effort and Josh threw it in his face, first by insulting him about his past sex life and then by standing him up with not even so much as an explanation. Josh had turned into the kind of guy that he had always worried about coming after him. He was an asshole.

But maybe this would all turn out to be for the best. Maybe it wasn't so obvious now, but eventually it would be. He and Buck were just too different. They didn't make sense together no matter what Buck thought. Buck was a hopeful romantic and believed that things would work out. But Josh knew better. He had lived a different life than Buck and he knew that while it all felt good now when it was all new, it wouldn't feel like that down the road once things got more serious. Buck and him were not a good fit and the sooner Buck realized that, the better.

Josh was already knew that and it was time Buck knew that too

{*-*}{*-*}

**2 days later**

“Josh Russo, please tell me you didn't do what you just told me. Tell me it was because you were on heavy medication and you weren't thinking straight and you didn't just stand up my brother without so much as a text message. Tell me I am hearing you wrong!”

Josh winced at the way Maddie's words hit him and as much as he wanted to tel her that it was all a misunderstanding, he didn't have it in him to try and make excuses for himself. It would have been a lie if he had tried and he as much as he wanted to make her feel better, he knew he deserved her anger and frustration. Maybe that was why he had agreed to cone over to her apartment for coffee, because he knew once he told her, that she would yell at him and he would absolutely deserve it and he wanted the punishment of a good talking down because the longer he sat with his own thoughts, the worst he felt and he needed to be reprimanded by someone. He couldn't even think to try and reach out to Buck, so Maddie was the next best thing. At least he thought it was.

“You're not hearing wrong.” Josh began saying, gritting his teeth and knowing how pathetic everything was going to sound coming out of his mouth but he pushed ahead anyway. “I did stand him up.”

“And you didn't think to at least answer a text and say you weren't coming?” Maddie shot back, her normally gentle eyes blazing with barely constrained anger. “That's all you had to do. One text. You couldn't even do that?”

“I was a coward ok!” He shot back,swallowing back a heavy sigh and breathing through his nose. “I couldn't face him, so I just didn't deal with it at all.”

“Damn it Josh, you are a grown man.” Maddie rolled her eyes, not buying his excuse. “This crap is kid stuff.”

“I know.” He said, looking down at the table instead of at her. He knew his behavior had been immature, but he couldn't stop himself. “I know it was stupid.”

“Yea, it was stupid and immature and I expected more from you. I thought you would have communicated better than this. Or at all.” Maddie's hands clenched into fists on the table top before relaxing flat on the wooden surface. She sighed and shook her head at him. “You really hurt him you know. I didn't think you would act like this.”

“It wasn't my intention to hurt him.” Josh felt a wave of regret come over him at the thought of sweet and gentle Evan Buckley feeling hurt and him being the cause of that. He thought Buck wouldn't take it as seriously as that but maybe that was just what Josh told himself to make himself feel better. “Seriously, I didn't it would affect him like this.”

“Ok, ok....” Maddie breathed out slowly as if she was trying to calm herself, bringing her hands close to her body and then moving them away again as if to push away any frustration. “I'm going to try coming at this as your friend and not as Buck's sister. But seriously Josh.. what the fuck?”

“Trust me, I've been saying the same thing.” He admitted with a shake of his head.   
  
“If you didn't want to date him, you should have just said so.”

“I never said I didn't want to date him.”

“Your actions suggest otherwise. In fact, they suggest that you just wanted to be cruel.” Maddie pointed out, frowning deeply at him. “You lead him to believe that you guys were going to try something, you didn't say no when he tried to set the day and time for your date and then even when the day arrived, you didn't say anything to make him think differently. I mean fuck! He was excited for days. He went shopping and made a fucking menu and everything. And you just left him waiting there for hours. Can you not see how cruel that was?”

Josh didn't say anything in response, he just sat stewing in his own thoughts. He hated himself for what he had done and Maddie was right, he had been cruel. It didn't matter what reason or excuse was behind it, the action had been hurtful and he had every right to be called out on it. He shifted uncomfortably under her gaze knowing he had to be honest. He didn't want to be the person who did this kind of shit. Especially when Buck had been nothing but nice to him this whole time.

“I didn't stand him up because I didn't want to date him.” He started to say, the words catching in his throat and he had to force them up even though it hurt to say. “I stood him up because I was afraid if I didn't then it would lead...”

“Lead to what? Something good?”

“Yes!” Josh snapped, his frustration and fear bubbling up in one wave out of his mouth. “If I had gone through with that date, it would have been great because Buck is great and wonderful. He's a damn catch and I've known that for a while. And it would have lead to another date and then another one and eventually once it started getting serious, he would have realized that I am not the guy he really wants and he would have broken things off with me and that would have hurt me.”

“So you hurt him first?”

“I had to. It was the only way he would have seen that this can't go anywhere.” Josh said, his shoulders dropping low as he sat back in his chair and closed his eyes. “He and I aren't on the same level.”

“What are you saying? That my brother isn't good enough for you?” Maddie was back to looking furious again and he had to scramble to fix this before he made it even worse. 

“No, I'm not saying that at all. I'm the one who is not good enough for him.”

“Josh...”

“No, I know it's true ok? He's beautiful and funny and kind and experienced and everyone loves him and wants a piece of him and he has his pick of beautiful women and men and he wants me? That doesn't make sense. I'm not worthy of someone like him, my actions have proven that.” Josh slammed his elbow on the table and buried his face in his hand, feeling exhausted. “I do like him Maddie, so much. But I'm so terrified that if I try to do this with him, that I'm just going to be left behind again. I didn't want to be hurt again.”

“Buck is not Greg.” She told him gently, her hand reaching out for his. “And you being afraid of being hurt doesn't give you the right to hurt him first. Especially since he has done nothing to deserve it.”

“I know.” He said squeezing his hand, feeling his heart tighten as well. “I just don't know how to do this. I don't know how to stop being afraid.”

“You just need to take a chance. And there is no one better to do that with than Buck.” She smiled slightly even though her eyes still held the weight of her anger towards him. “And you start with an apology.”

“I doubt he will even listen to me. Not that I blame him.”

“He will. Buck doesn't hold grudges very often and if you make an effort, a geniune effort. Then he will listen.” Maddie said, patting his hand. “It doesn't take much with Buck. He's very forgiving of a lot of things. You'll do fine.”

“I wish I had your confidence.” Josh told her as he stood up to go, knowing he had to follow through with his apology before he talked himself out of it. He had done that enough lately, it was time to try something else. Before he reached the door, Maddie called out to him one last time.

“Hey Josh?”

“Yea?”

“I know you think Buck is all special and godlike and perfect and he is all of those things.” She said, smiling brightly at him for the first time since he got here. “But you're a catch too.”

“Thanks Maddie.”

{*-*}{*-*}

_  
Please please please open the door._

Josh stood outside Buck's apartment, after having practically rammed his fist through the door as he knocked, practically yelling inside his head for the other man to come and let him in. He honestly didn't know if Buck would let him once he saw who it was and Josh couldn't entirely blame him. He knew he had screwed up and allowed his fear to cloud his mind and confuse him because it was the easier thing to do, but after having talked to Maddie he knew he had to do exactly what she said. Take a chance. Apologize. And hopefully go from there. He was just about to start pounding his fist again when the door swung open and Buck appeared, looking surprised to see him.

“Josh ...” Buck began to say but Josh immediately cut him off and rudely pushed his way past the other man into the apartment before Buck could gather his wits and say anything to stop him. Buck shut the door behind him in confusion. “What are ….”

“I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. I shouldn't have stood you up. I was an idiot.” Josh said in a rush, the words almost running together incoherently but he had to get them out before he choked them back down again. “I didn't mean to hurt you. I should have said something. I should have responded to your texts. I was just a fucking coward.”

“Yea a text would have been nice.” Buck said in agreement, his voice light even as his face remained guarded. “If you didn't want to go out with me, you could have just said so..”

“That's the thing. I do want to go out with you.” Josh surprising both him and Buck with his admission. Was that really the first time he had told Buck that? He kept going. “I like you Buck. Like a lot.”

“Really?” Buck genuinely looked taken aback and it only made Josh feel worse for not being honest.

“Yea, really.” Josh felt his heartbeat quicken as he stared at the gentle man in front of him, the one who had done nothing to deserve the treatment he had been given by Josh and still stood there allowing him to speak when he didn't have to. Buck was the whole package and if Josh didn't try his hardest to fix things, then he would miss out on something special. He looked Buck in the eye. “This may come as a surprise, but I'm not good at being vulnerable.”

“No really?” Buck smirked slightly and Josh took that as a signal to keep going.

“I was just scared. About the date, about where it would lead to. About you one day figuring out that I was not what you really wanted after all.” Josh explained , twisting his hands together as they started to shake. Buck made a noise like he wanted to say something but Josh shook his head and spoke again. “I guess I wanted to hurt you before you could hurt me. I didn't want to be disappointed again.”

“You could have just talked to me.” Buck made a point of saying, his face still neutral. “I would have understood.”

“I just couldn't admit that I was feeling so insecure about us.” Josh told him, his cheeks heating up in embarassment. “I keep thinking that you deserve more than me and that kind of tormented me for weeks and when the date came around, I just reacted like a moron. And I shouldn't have done that. I'm really sorry.”

“I guess I kind of saw this coming...” Buck began to say, his statement coming as a shock to Josh. “After the last time you were here and we were talking about the date, you really seemed determined to put a stop it even if you didn't realize you were doing it. Especially once you brought up all my past sexual encounters.”

“Oh god, I'm an even bigger idiot than I thought.” Josh wanted to kick himself for forgetting what he had said to Buck that night, basically insinuating that Buck's past somehow made him incapable of a serious relationship. Regret burned through him as he looked at Buck. “I'm such a shit. I didn't mean it to come off the way it did. I was fucking this up way earlier than I thought.”

“I won't lie and say I wasn't hurt by everything that has happened because it was pretty hurtful..” Buck scratched the back of his neck, almost looking nervous himself but there was the barest hint of a smile on his lips and Josh hoped that meant he hadn't ruined things completely. “But it's not the worst thing to ever happen to me. And you did come here to apologize. So that helps things.”

“I still shouldn't have done any of it. I'm sorry.”

“I forgive you.” Buck smiled and stepped closer until he was standing in front of Josh and looking down at him with a sort of frustrated fondness that hadn't been there before and smirked again. “So you don't think I'm some big slut?”

“No no.” Josh shook his head so fast he almost became dizzy. “You're just a man who has had a very enthusiastic and plentiful sex life and I guess I was jealous in a way.”

“Jealous?” Now Buck looked confused.

“Not in the way you may think. Not because of everyone who has had you but because I don't know what it's like to be wanted that much.” Josh explained, meeting Buck's eyes with a shrug, a gesture that seemed to brighten the other man's smile. “It's a foreign concept to me.”

“I want you.” Buck replied simply, his eyes flushing with vulnerability and Josh wanted nothing more then to hug him. “No one else matters. Not anyone who came before. It's just you. Isn't that enough?”

“I'm starting to think it is.” Josh admitted, his heart fluttering wildly and his first instinct was to put distance between them but instead he closed the gap just a little, enough for him to reach out and brush his hand against Buck's.

“If it makes you feel better...” Buck's fingers wrapped around his, holding on tight. “I'm not that guy anymore. I haven't been in a long time.”

“I know that. I just tend to let my mouth run wild when I'm insecure. I don't always say the nicest things.”

“I've noticed.”

“Soo.....” Josh began to say, his eyes unable to stop looking at their intertwined hands. “Have I completely ruined everything?”

“Not completely.” Buck's voice was teasing,a tone that Josh knew he could get addicted to if he let himself.

“Can we try that date again?” He asked cautiously, not knowing how this would be received and he was already preparing himself to hear a negative reaction. But Maddie's words about Buck not holding grudges seemed to ring true because Buck placed his other hand on Josh's cheek and turned his face up so they were eye to eye again. Josh swallowed hard, they were standing close to each other. Too close.

“Yes. We can try that date again.”

Josh grinned and Buck's smile erupted into something resembling the sun and they stood there almost chest to chest in silence and Josh was beginning to finally believe that maybe becoming undone by his fears was the best thing to have happened. He didn't know what was going to happen between him and Buck, but he knew he couldn't wait to find out.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks so much to anyone who has been waiting for this fic to be posted. I hope it lives up to expectations. 
> 
> If you want to follow me on tumblr my user name is thegreatgherkin87


End file.
